He Said/She Said Review: Lick My Monstrous Balls!

This is the inaugural He Said/She Said blog. Both my special manslut, Sam, and I will be giving our 2 cents on the various Sex Toys and accoutrements we enjoy together (p.s. He's got a really hot New Zealand accent).

Virgie Said: Ok, there a few things I need to admit before I give my honest opinion about Lick My Monstrous Balls (heretofore referred to as LMMB): 1. I love, love, love Azlea Antistia (because of her fabulously enormo nipples), and she was a big motivator in my selection of LMMB. 2. I was so excited about Azlea that I forgot how much I absolutely despise Vivid Productions. Everyone is blond and muscular and plasticy, and I'm way more into freak nasty amateur-looking porn with slightly homely people in it.

Downside: If you're in it for the monstrous ball licking (or the Azlea scene), you'll be disappointed. I didn't see a single set of huge balls and there was only a smattering of tongue-to-sac action. This was a compilation DVD; I hate when production companies take the lazy route and compile scenes that seem only minimally related to the title of the film.

Upside: The DVD is fucking long. Even if you just stroked once a minute for the entirety of the film, you're guaranteed to have at least 1 nut (though Sam touched my nipple while watching LMMB and it wasn't hard). It's a good value for $6 in that sense. Also, if you do like stereotypically attractive porn people, you'll probably enjoy yourself.

Sam Said: In many ways “Lick my Monstrous Balls” is probably best as a couples film, if only because saying “Lick my monstrous balls!!” to each other is probably the most fun you are going to have with this movie. The women are too hot, in that could- work-retail kinda way, the men are too hot in that could-be-strippers kinda way and the camera work and editing are too good in that cold, ironic would –be –better – off – working –for –David-Lynch kinda way. This is of course all good in its way, and LMMB would in fact make a much better art house film than anything Mr. Lynch has made since Twin Peaks, but it just ain’t good porn.

There is simply no hotness, no aggression, and no spontaneity. Everything feels like it was carefully negotiated, if not choreographed ahead of time, and that everyone is just there for the cash. This is of course probably true, but if there is one thing I do not want in my porn it is truth. I want my porn sluts to lie to me. I want to believe that they are there because there is nowhere they would rather be than being triple stuffed by anything with a cock, and that once the camera stopped rolling she blew the whole crew just for the sheer joy of a mouth full of nut. And Lick my Monstrous Balls never even tries to create that illusion. Even the seasoned sluts, like Olivia Del Rio, Cherokee, Nicole Sheridan and Azlea Antistia (all of whom I would watch eating a sandwich) while doing there best to let their sex freak flag fly, are reduced to a motherly attitude of “trust me I know I what I am doing” rather than true nut busting nympho fuck monster vibe they have when allowed to bring their A game.

On the other hand it is Four hours long and comes with a free bonus CD, and it’s called “Lick my Monstrous Balls” which has to be worth something. But all in all, unless you can get for six dollars, I would only recommend it if your little brother is at the age where he needs some porn and you want to get him something that won’t turn him into a sex offender.

On that note, if you read that whole blog, you oughtta treat yourself to a brand, spankin' new vibrator!

Tune in next week when Sam and I will review Vibrating Panties...oooooh!